Bye-Bye Braces

I’m not sure if I loved my Orthodontist more when he told me two years ago that I needed braces because ‘you are too pretty to have teeth like that’ or when he recently removed my braces and revealed my new smile. Of course, I’m not talking love love, more like adoration for the man who took what my husband called my cockeyed teeth and made them straight. I also had a slew of jaw problems that neither a bite guard nor meditation could cure, only large brackets with a mélange of silver wires threaded throughout my teeth.

Having braces has been an absolute blast. I haven’t had this much fun since I tried natural childbirth. Each time my Orthodontist tightened the wires or rearranged a bracket, I left the office feeling so fabulous I was fighting back the tears. I’d call my husband for some sympathy and then treat myself to a Frappucino, a calming liquid lunch. But after awhile, the cold coffee just didn’t cut it. The nearby shoe warehouse started calling my name, “Come here Metal Mouth, let me soothe your pain with a new pair of sandals.” So as my teeth straightened, my shoe collection grew and grew.

Don’t get me wrong there is one advantage to being a Metal Mouth--I lost about ten to twenty years in my face. All of a sudden I started getting carded when I was buying wine or beer. The first time it happened, I started laughing, thinking the clerk must be joking but she yanked the bottles off the belt and asked to see my I.D. New acquaintances guessed my age in the early twenties and seemed incredulous that I had two kids and a Masters Degree. My advice to anyone considering a face-lift--get braces first.

But after a while, sporting a teenager face with a post-partum pooch lost its allure. Fortunately, I got the phone call--an invitation to be the matron of honor in a fancy New York City wedding. Now I’m not someone who usually likes to be in weddings. Perhaps it has something to do with my first bridesmaid experience when I was forced to wear a large purple gown with eleven other girls. We looked like a bunch of plums rolling down the aisle in a Fruit of the Loom commercial.

But this time would be different. This bride has fabulous taste. There was no doubt in my mind that this aisle walk could be my New York moment. I marched into my Orthodontist’s office and declared that my teeth were straight enough; I had a VIP social engagement and these things were coming out by the end of September. My Orthodontist saw the glint in my eye or perhaps it was the pair of pliers in my purse and fast tracked me into the final phase.

I prepared for the blessed day as if I were planning my own wedding. I ordered pastries for the office staff and a cake for myself. I bought new underwear and fixed my hair. When I picked up the pastries, a man drinking coffee heard me talking about my braces coming off and said, “But now you won’t look like a little girl.” I tried not to be creeped out and just embrace the fact that I was about to age ten to twenty years.

The brace removal process was delightful and reminded me of my first episiotomy. The wires were pulled, brackets yanked and glue shaved off my teeth. I was sad to say good-bye to my Orthodontist and the nearby shoe warehouse, but I know I will be back for my retainer and probably my kids’ teeth.

When my husband saw me he was thrilled to see my cockeyed teeth standing in a straight line. My four year old shrieked and my five year old said, ‘You don’t look familiar,’ which I understood. My daughters don’t remember me without braces. My mom asked me if I thought it was worth it. I hesitated for a moment. “Yes,” I finally replied. Having braces is like giving birth--the pain is intense yet when its over, we quickly forget and remember only the joy of seeing that brand new face.