Our Next TV Show: The Laguna Literati

Once a month, I feed my kids dinner, put on lipstick and wait by the door for my husband to come home. When he walks in, I remind him that I am leaving. He doesn’t where I’m going, but he kisses me good-bye just the same. I quietly sneak out through the garage, hoping Daddy’s arrival will distract my oldest daughter from performing her off-Broadway show called, “When will you be home?”

I park my car and walk alone to the designated meeting place. I knock on the door twice, and then let myself in. I know my compadres cannot come to the door. They are engaged in highly important activities. They are shaking pomegranate martinis and baking a chocolate cake, all necessary items for the deep thinking that is about to take place.

We begin by discussing world peace, the village vs. nuclear family concept, and the mechanics of a bikini wax. We eat, drink and then eat some more. And when it comes time, we discuss the written word. Usually it is in the form of an article, but, whose word counting anyway? We are the Laguna Literati, women bonded together by our love of life and of course, literature.

When I heard about CBS’s new reality show, The Tuesday Night Book Club, I was frankly shocked that we weren’t contacted. Hello! We are a group of women who live in Laguna Beach, hometown to the world’s most successful reality show ever. Why didn’t they bring their cameras here and film our meetings? Mai Oui! They chose to follow a group of women in Tucson, Arizona.

After watching the premiere on Tuesday night, I understand why weren’t chosen. Our sisters in Arizona have much hotter lives than any of us Laguna Literati. Not only are they sweating profusely, they are juggling a husband who likes to swing, a family dog who ate the wedding ring, and a mom who is addicted to adopting animals. I know they are real people; but, I have a hunch that these seven women do not have a real book club. Surprising, I know. (We here in Laguna Beach know from personal experience that reality shows are not scripted and are completely accurate.)

For starters, they never eat a thing and consequently, look gorgeous in bikinis. But enough about my own bathing suit issues, I just didn’t see any chemistry. These women don’t seem to know each other. It gave me that TomKat feeling that makes you want to ask, “Exactly how did you meet each other?”

And, of course, they don’t read the assigned book, or any books for that matter. Now c’mon CBS, that is going to give book clubs a bad name. Is that your intention? To undo all the goodwill that Oprah has created for the literary world? Now our husbands are going to think that we just sit around, drink wine and talk about them. They need to know that the last point is absolutely false.

Upon further reflection, I am glad that my book-mostly-article club was not chosen for prime time. Fame would be too much work and not allow any time for my family. My days would be filled with designers begging me to wear their clothes, magazine editors fighting over pictures of my yet-to-be-conceived newborn, and nannies wanting to work for me so they could write a tell-all.

Wait a minute! Perhaps I’ve got it wrong. Laguna Literati is a catchy title. Do you think I could interest MTV? I’m sure a show about moms contemplating excessive body hair, happiness in the laundry room and the New Yorker’s latest essay is exactly what they’re looking for.

Tuesday Night Book Club airs on Tuesday nights 10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT on the CBS Television Network.